THE JARETH WARS
by Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory
Summary: Jareth wants a rematch. Sarah bangs her head, and has a thing for an unwilling Hoggle, Jareth needs a light, not to mention to save his face from makeuplessness.
1. Babies Over Cheese puffs

Due to the lack of Labyrinth fanfiction on the net, and for most of the ones there being Sarah/Jareth stories, I have now found an obligation to write my own so that (1) there will be one more fic out there, and (2) fighting in hopes that one day Sarah/Jareth fics will be a minority (no offense to those who like the couple, but I can't say I'm one to truly enjoy pedophilia). In order to get rid of the stupidness of the disclaimer, I now proclaim that I, Miagi of Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory, do not own Labyrinth or any of the characters. Oh, and to Jim Henson (or whoever owns the dynasty now): if you ever decide to sell Jareth in the future... er... I have a quarter... what can I say? I'm broke. And to David Bowie: if you ever want to sell yourself, that quarter is still up for grabs. Now that I have that out of the way, I now feel that I may begin my procession of silliness.

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Prologue:

It had been about a week since Sarah had thwarted Jareth, and returned home with her baby brother, and the Goblin King was still far from happy about this outcome. Because of six words, he had lost his little battle of sorts, and found himself in quite the cranky mood. How he scowled at the ceiling from his bed, which he had been tied to (the goblins had gotten sick of his suicide attempts, and figured it would be best to restrain him), and yet again tried to stop breathing long enough to suffocate. Of course, this never worked due to the fact that the body has a mechanism in it that makes you pass out before such a time, or so I've heard (I don't go out attempting to suffocate myself very often, so I can't say I have much personal experience on the matter). Still, he wasn't going to let some scientific study stop him, and went to work. As he was reaching that shade of red that's on the brink of turning purple, a thought occurred to him. Why not _bloody_ go back to the little strumpet's house and declare a rematch? Yes, it was an excellent idea. This time, things would have to be made much more difficult, and not so full of loop holes. Jareth took in a heavy breath, letting his practically blue skin return to normal flesh colour, and started for his throne room... or at least he would have f he wasn't still strapped to the bed. Well, this obstacle was far from thought worthy. After all, much more luscious villainy was at hand, and the Goblin King had the perfect plan to go about it.

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THE JARETH WARS

Act 1: Babies Over Cheese puffs

"SSSSCCCRRREEEECCCHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Yes, the baby was crying yet again, and Sarah had once more found herself home on a Saturday with Toby.

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Sarah: Oh please stop crying! 

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Toby: SCREECH!

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Sarah: Urgh! Hoggle, I need you!

Seeing as how all she had to do was call, Sarah had now found the solution to all of her problems, or so she thought.

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Answering Machine: Hello, you have reached the Hoggle Hotline. No one is available to take your call right now, but if you leave your name, we'll know who you are, and if you leave your number, we'll actually be able to call you back! Please leave a message at the beep.

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Sarah: RAGH!!!

This was not going at all to what she had in mind. She plopped down onto her parent's bed and stared a the wailing child.

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Sarah: I know I shouldn't, but you are seriously tempting me to say 'the words.'

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Toby: *silence*

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Sarah: ... no way... *looks in the crib* ... you're awake, yet you aren't crying.... THERE IS A GOD!!!

Tsk tsk. It was too bad she didn't know that her little brother was, at the moment, a verbally challenged atheist.

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Toby: *pissed* SSSSSSSSSCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

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Sarah: Fine! You're really asking for it now! I don't care if the Goblin King turns you into a muffin, I am so saying 'the words' if you don't stop your screaming!

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Voice: Now that won't be necessary.

Sarah spun around quickly, and there at the window stood the magnificent form that was the Goblin King, himself.

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Sarah: *shocked* Jareth!!!..... why are you tied to a bed?

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Jareth: Never mind that! *pivots over the best he can* I have much more important matters to discuss with you.

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Sarah: How'd you get through the window?

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Jareth: That doesn't matter. What I am here to say is-

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Sarah: Better yet, how'd you manage to waddle all the way here?

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Jareth: My, aren't we a one track mind. If my set of circumstances bothers you oh so much, then you could at least be part of the solution and untie me.

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Sarah: Oh... okie dokie!

A few hours later (seeing as how Sarah had to keep tending to Toby, and also felt that she had to make the time for her favorite soap opera when the commercials were over), Jareth was untied. After doing a quick dance number in order to get his circulation going through his wrists again, he was ready to unleash his horrible scheme.

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Jareth: You thought you had beaten me, but you were wrong. I have come to take back the child that you have stolen which I stole in order to make your life... BAD!

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Sarah: But how would losing him ruin my life? I could finally go out on weekends and never have to change another diaper again... at least not until I become a victim of teen pregnancy.

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Jareth: ... Well... you certainly have a bright future ahead of you... Of course, I was not planning to just let you stay here. Ya see over there? *suddenly in Labyrinth world* He is in my castle. Okay, now back to the standard rules. You've got thirteen hours, and if you don't reach it before time runs out, your baby brother will be one of us forever. Such a pi-

He stopped and began to scowl as he watched Sarah begin to set up camp on the outskirts. It seemed she was in no hurry to be traveling anywhere.

Jareth: Okay, let me rephrase that. If you don't reach the castle in thirteen hours, you're baby brother will be multiplied by ten, and shipped back to your home.

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Sarah: *gasp*

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Jareth: Now, back to my interrupted line. 'Such a pity.' *disappears*

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Sarah: ... this bites.

Yay, I'm done with chapter 1! I don't know that I want to finish it, but if you guys say it's good, then I probably will. Yeah, now I'm off to play the playstation of life like I do when I'm bored.


	2. Winged Croissant of Impeders

Oh wow people actually read this section and I thought I'd have no reviews what-so-ever. I'm quite happy with myself now. Now then, some people told me that the last chapter was insane. All I can say is that it was quite sober compared to what this will soon be. Now then, no need to keep up on this little section. All I'll say is that just because this isn't Sarah/Jareth doesn't mean that there will be absolutely no couplings at all... nuff said.

Sarah looked down at the labyrinth in complete dismay. This was way too familiar, and somehow it looked as if the day would end up in a parody of a week before. Of course, for the sake of the story, she decided to start her journey, and headed toward the gates. But, when she reached that area where she first saw Hoggle taking a piss, she found something entirely different... a casino?

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THE JARETH WARS

Chapter 2: Winged Croissant of Impeders

Sarah: What? Since when was there a casino here?

Voice: Since I got famous and decided to build one.

Sarah turned around quickly to see none other than Hoggle, standing in a new spiffy business suit and carrying an overly large brief case. Obviously, our ragged little friend had plopped into an oil rig or something of the sort, to which Sarah found herself quite envious.

Sarah: flustered How the hell'd you get all that money to make this monstrosity?!

Hoggle: Well, ya see, last week while you were doing your "I must confront him alone" thing, the guys and eye figured we'd take the time to do some castle plundering. Personally, I was able to make a fortune off of never been washed Jareth boxers.

Sarah: Wait a sec. How could he be even capable of wearing boxers if he's always wearing dance tights?

Hoggle: Sarah, please, you must understand. Everything in this world is magical; you know, where everything is possible, but nothing is what it seems?

Sarah: Oh dirty thoughts passing through head wow

Hoggle: smacks her with brief case Get your mind out of the gutter!

Little did the wrinkly thing (lack for a better word) know, when he had whacked her, he damaged her brain, making her somewhat distorted in her thinking.

Sarah: looks at Hoggle Hoggle, I never realized it before, but your eyes are the brilliant colour of the ocean after its been filled with sewage. Oh how I long to forever stare into your somber gaze.

Hoggle: WHAZZAH?!

Now, we could continue on this little excerpt, but, seeing how this is titled THE JARETH WARS (Jareth being the main character), it seems to be about time to switch over to the castle.

Jareth found himself a tad more angry than usual. When he had walked through the door, immediately all of his loyal subjects took their positions at all the windows and kitchen cutlery. A bunch of goblins began to pace slowly towards him with ropes and chains, doing what they must to save their leader from personal annihilation. This fully aggravated Jareth, and found himself in no mood to deal with these peasants.

Jareth: Keep away! chucks crystal ball

Goblins: watch ball pass by

Well, that's what you get when the only magic power you display is ball juggling. The Goblin King mentally kicked himself as his minions were closing in, when he realized something. Making a hazardous move, he pinched the baby, hoping that his plan might work. Of course, it did, for he is hot, and therefore brilliant, because right as he did that, Toby made an agonizing screech that was so horrid that all of the goblins' ears split, and they bled to death. Jareth was in no way harmed, though, because (once again) he is the main character. If he died, we'd have to change the name to THE SARAH BITCHINGS or something of the sort.

Now that the goblins were out of the picture, Jareth did a victory triple loop thing followed by a tap dance to his throne (he is a dancer, after all). The baby was not too pleased with these actions while still being in Jareth's arms, and prepared himself for another mind blowing wail. Our wondrous king, fortunately, saw this coming, and ethered the child before the agonizing scream sounded once more.

Jareth: Now I must say, that is quite more becoming. pulls out cigarette Now all I have to do is wait for- ah crap... the lighter's busted...

Yes, this was a dilema indeed. Without the lighter of life, Jareth would be doomed to a day of nicotine free torture (I dunno, I saw the behind scenes with him taking a smoke, and it just stook). There was only one solution to this problem.

Jareth: pulling out crystal ball I must locate... the Chilly Gang.

The Chilly Gang, being the only source of fire in the Underground (it seems that everyone took to micro waving their food, and decided to ditch the roasting idea), he would have to go to them for a light. Sadly, after chucking it at the goblins, his crystal ball seemed to be malfunctioning, so he'd have to go and find them manually. Leaving the baby on the throne, Jareth picked up and started off for the woods.


	3. Biscuit brooding indecency

Sorry about taking to long to update this fic. There always seems to be something or other getting in the way, and I don't have the time to get around to it. No matter. Now that I have time, I'll do what I can to take down this chapter in one sitting, assuring that it will be up quickly. Okay, so let's get going and see what happens, cuz at this moment in time, even I don't know.

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THE JARETH WARS

Chapter 3: Biscuit brooding indecency

Hoggle found himself logged up in a tree branch, distancing himself as far as possible from the love interest confused girl, who had begun to proclaim her undying love for the little man/thing.

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Sarah: Hoggle my love! Please come down here so that we might call a minister and get married!

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Hoggle: No! There's no way I'm sharing half of my new fortune with some chick who got her head whacked.

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Sarah: Whatever do you mean dearest?

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Hoggle: Just keep away!

Sarah, seeing as how her newest infatuation was in a tree and she was on the ground, the only option was to climb to up to the wart, and convince him of her undying devotion. Hoggle nearly choked as Sarah inched her way up the tree. This was not good at all, because everyone knows the ever destructive equation of life: boygirl=love, lovecommitment= marriage, marriage=husbandwife, husbandwife=baby, marriagebitchywoman=divorce, bitchywomandivorce=goodbye half of earnings, divorcebaby= goodbye half of earnings18 years of financial instability.

Hoggle shuddered, and began to shimmy further up the tree, getting as far away from the girl as possible, who was now currently three feet below him.

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Sarah: Hoggle?! Why do you keep going away?!

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Hoggle: realizes there's no point in answering such a stupid question

Now, in an entirely different section of the labyrinth, Jareth trekked his way towards the swamp, in search of the Chilly Gang (also known as the Fire Gang, but I forgot this last chapter, thus the word 'chilly' shall replace fire in hopes of fooling the masses that I know what I'm talking about). How he wished he could teleport, but if he didn't know where he was exactly supposed to find them, it would be futile. Having to walk for the whole past ten minutes made him feel like a peasant, and he almost cried when he noticed that he had scuffed his new pair of snake skin boots. Sure, he probably wouldn't have worn them again anyway, but just knowing that he'd have to be seen in them for a whole hour, or possibly even a whole day, was degrading. When he thought things couldn't possibly get worst, a bolt of dumb luck struck him. Low and behold, there was the Chilly Gang dancing around what seemed to be a new stereo that they had purchased at Best Bu-... Bist Boy (no need to get sued here).

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Jareth: Hey, you!

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Chilly1: Hey nothin! Can't you see we're rockin to some awesome shit here?!

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Chilly2: Awesome my ass! We need some Bowie going on!

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Chilly1: Mick Jagger is way cooler than Bowie!

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Chilly2: What you hopped up on?! Bowie is the coolest!

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Chilly3: Why don't we leave it at Elton John?

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Chilly12: Hell no!

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Jareth: Shut up and pay attention to me!

The Chilly Gang stood motionless as Rolling Stone music played in the background. Jareth was pleased with himself for finally getting their attention.

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Jareth: Now, I need you to light me a cigarette and I'll be on my way.

It looked like he'd be getting his needs taken care of, except "Ziggy Stardust" had just come onto the radio.

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Chilly2: Alright!

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Chilly1: This sucks.

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Jareth: Will you stop listening to that outdated crap and tend to my every whim already?!

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Chilly Gang: gasp

Now, if you're ever in the presence of the Chilly Gang, never EVER call anything from David Bowie, Rolling Stones, Elton John, or Led Zeppelin outdated. If you do, may God (or whatever deity you worship) have pity on your soul.

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Chilly2: ... GET 'IM!!

Jareth found himself being chased by the angry mob of red haired thingies (not sure what species they are, really), wishing that he had never offended the God of rock that is Bowie, and that he had worn a comfier pair of tights. Fortunately, one of them started throwing small fire balls at him, and once his cigarette was lit, he teleported back to his castle. He eased onto his throne, puffing at his Maliboboro Light in contentment. He then looked over to his thirteen hour clock and smiled. He had already used up one hour, giving Sarah only half a day left. Of course, he planned to cheat, but that wouldn't happen until later. When all seemed peaceful and good, Jareth flinched at the sound of the screaming Toby, that was lying on the floor. Seemed that the ether had finally worn off.

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Jareth: You are quite persistent, aren't you?

Well, if there was one thing he had learned from Irish mothers from the 1800's was that beer was the best remedy to a screaming child. Alas, Jareth did not possess such a carb infested beverage, for having a large belly was not too appealing. He did remember having some rubbing alcohol, so he grabbed a bottle of that and poured some into the wailing baby's mouth. Within seconds it had passed out and all was quiet once more. (**NOTE:** DO NOT GIVE BABIES ALCOHOL, AND ESPECIALLY NOT RUBBING ALCOHOL!!!.... unless they deserve it... but otherwise DON'T).

With this accomplished, the goblin king looked into his crystal ball to check up on things and see... Sarah dragging Hoggle to a chapel?! She was supposed to be finding a way through the Labyrinth, not trying to get hooked up. This neglect infuriated the blonde, and he vowed to put a stop to it immediately, and then teleported off to the United Church of Ludo.

Yes, another chapter complete. Okay, IMPORTANT QUESTION!!! You all know who Mick Jagger is, right? I know, stupid question, but I had a friend who didn't, and I was appalled. OK, if you DON'T know who he is, go to google.com and type "Mick Jagger," or maybe even "Rolling Stones" and get educated! If from anywhere, you should know Elton John from the Lion King (God forbid that be the only time you experienced his music), you OUGHT to know Led Zeppelin, but if you were unfortunate enough to live a horribly sheltered life, go to google.com and type in "Led Zeppelin." Alright, now if you DON'T KNOW David Bowie... what the hell is wrong with you?! Good God! He only plays Jareth, not to mention sings all the songs, minus Chilly Down!!! The only excuse you would have is if you're one of those weird people who went into the Labyrinth section and thought "Hmm... a story I don't know anything about... okay!" Otherwise.... I'm sorry you're messed up. Now that that's done, I'm off to look for stuff on Screamin' Lord Byron, for he is a gorgeous babe to whom I must pay homage.


	4. Purple Passion Mango Bliss

I'm glad to see that so far this has been well received, and that everyone seemed to know who the rock legends of awesomeness were. If you didn't, I would have to find and kill you. Okay, no need to stall. Let's get on with our wonderful story of wonder.

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THE JARETH WARS

Chapter 4: Purple Passion Mango Bliss

At the United Church of Ludo, all was pretty and nice, filled with shag carpets and macaroni pictures, and it seemed like the perfect setting to have a couple blessed in holy matrimony, or so Sarah thought as she dragged a less than willing Hoggle through the double doors.

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Hoggle: I WON'T LET YOU DO THIS! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!

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Sarah: Don't be silly, lovey! You aren't being forced. putting a gag in Hoggle's mouth

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Hoggle: Mmph grmph!!!

Sarah hauled the poor little man to the front of the church, where a Ludo in Reverend attire stood waiting.

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Ludo: Sarah. Ludo glad.

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Sarah: Hi Ludo! It's been a long week. Hey, could you do me a favor and marry me and Hoggle?

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Ludo: Ludo marry Sarah and Ho- WAZZAH?!!

Yes, even the thought of Hoggle and Sarah being wed in this most holy matrimony brought a queasy nauseous feeling to the furry beast's stomach. What a god awful thought.

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Ludo: But Sarah Jareth-

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Sarah: Forget him! We're going counter the popular demand, and being original.

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Voice: I can't allow it.

Jareth appeared out of nowhere, looking ever pissed. Not only was he being fully ignored, but now that he had heard that someone would choose a wrinkly old sap over his luscious self, he was angrier than a bear being hit with a hot poker.

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Sarah: Sorry, but I have made my choice! I know that it must make you jealous, but Hoggle and I are in love.

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Jareth: Screw that! I could get any hot girl in the world if I wanted. While you're getting hitched, you're growing ever closer to having thirteen Toby's to explain to your parents.

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Sarah: No worries. I don't ever plan to go back to that awful place again.

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Jareth: You don't have a choice! You'll go back or else I'll-

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Sarah: You'll what?!

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Jareth: I'll make Legolas fat.

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Sarah: gasp You wouldn't!

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Legolas: Dude, that's so not cool!

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Jareth: Get out of my story, damn you! shoves Legolas through window

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Sarah: How could you?!

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Jareth: There's only enough room for one hot blonde in this fic, and seeing as how I'm the principle character, I would be it.

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Sarah: I hate you!

Sarah took a conveniently placed bucket full of water and threw it upon the goblin king. He plopped to the ground in horror, taking out his compact mirror.

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Jareth: My makeup! IT'S MELTING!!!

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Sarah: Ew.

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Hoggle: Hmmphrs.

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Jareth: Sarah, what have you done?!

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Sarah: Oh, come off it! You can always apply more.

Jareth found a new interest in his tights. Normally, he could apply more makeup if it weren't for the small problem that some of the goblins had tried to make a statement by dressing as Marlyn Manson impersonators, using all of his cosmetics while in his absence.

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Jareth: Do what you wish. I couldn't care less. As of now, I have bigger dilemna's to deal with.

Sarah, Hoggle, and Ludo looked on in wonder, not knowing where it was the goblin king had awayed to. When out of makeup, there was only one solution. Get more. Oh, and did he have the perfect supplier.

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David Bowie: writing There's such a sad love deep in your... oh god, what's the name of those things in your sockets again?

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Jareth: appears You! Show me to your foutain of makeup and cosmetics now or else I'll pelt you with crystal glass balls!

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Bowie: Who the hell are you?

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Jareth: That is of no importance. I need the face paint right now!

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Bowie: Er... I'd like to help but I'm afraid I went through my transvestite stage a good decade and a half ago.

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Jareth: Dammit! Why can't you damn 80's rockstars do anything useful other than brainwash the masses through subliminal messaging?!!

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Bowie: Wait, before you go, I seems to be in a bit of a brain fart. Could you tell me what those things in your head you see with are again?

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Jareth: Eyes?

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Bowie: Yes! writing Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale- looks up oh yeah, give me your name and I might give you some credit.

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Jareth: Nah, I'm good.

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Bowie: Well, since you've been such a great help, you can have this set of expo pens. If you use them, you're bound to keep the markings on for at least a week.

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Jareth: Can do. Thank you, and may you someday marry a super model.

Jareth quickly applied his expo pens and returned to the church to find that Sarah and Hoggle were about ready to say their vows. Can he stop them before it's too late?


End file.
